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There are just some things most men shouldn't wear. Sweaters appear in several places in the top ten of that list. Turtle neck sweaters would be easily number at least number three. Those button front sweaters with patterns on them would be sitting at about fifth or sixth, with or without a stylish belt. Then things like sweater vests and knit jackets that are simply sweaters that almost fit and stuff like that way come in below.
And any man that goes out in public with the sleeves of a sweater tied around his neck and the sweater hanging off his back like a knit Batman cape needs to be medicated. We won't even mention a sweater vest over a shirt and tie and under a suit jacket. Either one should be investigated for escaping from a soap opera.
Sweaters are designed to make you SWEAT. Right? Hence the name. You are supposed to wear it for warmth. Not style. A man making a fashion statement with anything of hand or machine knitted wool (or whatever fake wool is made of) with silhouette reindeer on it is almost nauseating.
OK, women can get away with sweaters. Most women the Desk know have been programmed by their grandmothers to constantly be cold. So they need a sweater to be toasty warm. The Desk doesn't. And some of them look good in them. There is a whole category of 'B' movies under the general heading of "sweater girls" from the 1950's.
The Desk used to sweat wearing a T-shirt in an ice storm. Normal room temperature to it is usually warm enough for it to look for a breeze. If three women are in the room and they are all comfortable, the Desk probably has perspiration dripping off its glasses. So it does not need a sweater.
So why on God's Good Green Earth would a coworker ask it if it was going to wear a holiday sweater to the Day Job's Holiday Luncheon?
The Desk doesn't OWN a sweater. Period.
It doesn't want one for Christmas.
And it wouldn't wear one if it had one to anything in the office. Sorry.
It's almost a worn out joke. You can spot the man that lets a woman pick out his clothes because he shows up in a 'really darling sweater' at those kinds of functions.
Have you ever heard a man tell another man "That's a great sweater" anywhere but in some shop that sells double mocha latte with almond essence or at the vegetarian buffet? Probably not.
Did either John Wayne or Kirk Douglas wear a turtle neck to capture 'The War Wagon' full of gold? No, and with good reason. If they had snagged their sweater on the Gattling Gun it would have unraveled and that's not a good thing to have happen when you're hijacking an armored stagecoach.
All right. Some guys actually like sweaters. This is still America where you can do what you want as long as you don't offend any left handed gay muslim terrorists, or Hillary Clinton.
Which is fine, if some guy decides on his own to wear a sweater. He's welcome to.
Some people like black licorice and the French.
Some people enjoy fruitcake.
The Desk will take the sweater you buy for it and wrap it around a fruitcake and mail it to France with all the black licorice it can lay its hands on.
It's all about personal choice and taste.
And the Desk chooses not to wear sweaters.
It's that simple.
Selah
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