©03 The Media Desk
Use the following answers to appropriate questions and statements from callers
[please change honorarium to fit individual callers] :
"Yes sir, I think it would work better if you were sober"
"No ma'am, it is not a good sign when blue flames are shooting out of your computer case."
"It would be our suggestion sir to make sure the next time you put your car through a car wash to either put the top up and close the windows or leave your open laptop in the trunk."
"Yes ma'am, I'm sure if the Blessed Mother had to deal with that version of Office she would use that kind of language at least once in awhile."
"Sir. It does not matter how great your custom ring tone is for your cel phone, the caller still only hears the regular ringing sound from the phone company."
"No Ma'am. Your computer does not know the difference between red, blue, or black floppy disks."
"Try this sir, plug the cord from the power strip into the outlet on the wall, then turn the switch on the strip on and then turn your printer on. See if it works better then."
"I'm sorry ma'am. Running your husband's PDA through the washing machine does void the warranty. It doesn't matter if you didn't use bleach in the load."
"Yes sir. I'm sure that whoever designed your phone system accounted for the chances that somebody would accidentally pull every wire from a twenty five pair cable off the panel and then run over the end with a vacuum cleaner."
"No ma'am, I don't know how often it happens that a motherboard gets left on a picnic table and ends up with bird droppings all over it. I don't think I've ever seen that in the warranty information."
"Sir? I didn't quite understand the question. You asked how long you should leave your portable CD burner in the oven to dry it out after you've spilled What into it?"
"Ahhh, no ma'am. I don't know what number you dialed, and I'm sorry, but I don't know a Mary Lou Thorneburgh either."
"No sir. Your TV will not get the Internet unless you have special equipment. … No sir, I don't think Comcast and Microsoft are conspiring against you.. … Yes sir. I'm sure the FBI has other things to do. … No Sir, I wasn't aware that Richard Nixon was in Dallas the day JFK was shot. … Yes sir, I'm certain if the government had a real UFO they would try to cover it up. … No sir, I don't think fluoride in the water has anything to do with sunspots. … Yes sir, it was a shame they canceled Baywatch. … No Sir, I don't remember why you had called in the first place."