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-and- Jim Deep


   [WEBMASTER'S NOTE: Brutha Jim Deep is one of the leading purveyors of erotic fiction on the Net today, and there isn't a picture or movie to be found anywhere on his site. Dr. Leftover does occasional HTML layout and offers advice now and again about the creative process. The Two Sites Are Otherwise Unrelated. However, the Desk found Brutha Deep's analysis of the subject at hand rather insightful and completely politically incorrect, so it is being simultaneously posted on The Media Desk in the USA and on Deep's site in Russia. ]

     I got an email awhile back that got me to thinking about something. Yes, your good Brutha does think about stuff other than 'Adult' literature.
     I happen to spend a lot of time thinking about work. Beer. There has to be a couple of other things. Anyway.
     I also think about sexy women.
     Except now I was looking at them, pun intended, in a whole new way.
     Not every pretty woman I know I would call sexy. And counterwise, not every woman that I know that I think is sexy, I would also call pretty.
     And this also goes for women in the movies and on TV. Some of the most glamorous and beautiful women in the world I wouldn't want to spend a weekend with. They may be beautiful, but they are not really sexy. Yes I wouldn't mind a tumble with them, Your Brutha is not one to turn down a woman under anything but extremely unusual circumstances, especially some supermodel, but a One Night Stand isn't what I'm talking about here. Sure it'd be great to bed down one of those BayWatch / Soap Opera Bimbos, but the other ramifications of the act would be almost unbearable.
     What if she wanted to talk?
     Your Brutha is all into the Expansion of the EU, most of those "Statuesque but Dimwitted" girls on TV couldn't find Europe on a map of Europe. Not long ago at a gathering I was chatting with a very attractive middle aged woman I have known for a few years and found her completely clueless on almost anything except the lack of women's dress shoes in narrow widths in the larger sizes in discount stores. If it wasn't about an 11-A she didn't know anything about it, and she wasn't acting.
     OK, I don't expect everybody to be up on everything from which Cardinal is favorite to be the Next Pope to the movement of the Earth's Magnetic Poles. I know if I want to go through six pages of political intrigue about the next generation of Kennedys all I have to do is email the Doktor. If I feel the need for religious indoctrination, there's a priest I know that has never made a pass at me. My boss is right up to date on the North American Free Trade nonsense. And I have a friend that knows all there is to know about cars. So I am covered for conversation partners on serious subjects. But there are times when the sweaty action is over when I appreciate a bedroom partner that can talk about more than who's getting voted off the island this week.
     So just what do I think is a sexy woman?

     I thought about it for a couple of weeks and at one point actually started a list. Except it was a list of things that weren't sexy. And that list got rather long a little too quickly.
     Some of them were no-brainers. Like poor personal hygiene, or excessively obese. No not a little dirty, a sweaty woman that has been working in the yard can be sexy, a little dirt under her nails and some pine needles in her hair can be irresistible. I'm talking about BO and rotten teeth. And some women that are just a tad plump can be just a tad sexy. I mean somebody who would make a good Richard Simmons Prime Time Special.
     A couple were self defense. I don't like women that get half a drink in them and giggle like a high school date. And if she wants to get stoned, get out.
     Others on my No-Go list were personal taste. I don't like women who talk constantly. 'Chatterboxes' my grandmother would call them. Something else I simply don't like is women who perm their hair. But I know I guy that actually likes tight hard curls on his wife's head. To each their own I guess.

     So then I had to decide what was Sexy.
     I came to the conclusion that there is no one thing that makes the nut. But there are a few things that seem to come in a package deal.

  • If a woman is smart she stands a better chance of making the cut than if she is as dumb as a stump.
  • If she is in shape, not skinny as a rail or a blimp, but with a figure and that curve that says 'woman' from here to there. She's probably got a good chance of earning the label.
  • If she knows she is a woman and enjoys it I would almost move her to the head of the line period.
  • If she acts like she has some class she's probably worth getting to know. If she swears like a rapper and carries herself like trash, no thanks.
  • If she's done something or been somewhere and can carry on that conversation I mentioned earlier beyond who was on Regis today I might be interested in talking to her.
  • If she seems to know her way around her body and mine, and isn't shy about it to the point of making a nun look adventurous she is definitely in the running.
  • If she is somewhat self-sufficient it is a good thing. Not some clinging leech that needs everything done for her.
  • And if she is pleasant, a little cheerful, maybe agreeable and outgoing. Not too pleasant and overly cheerful, that's nauseating. And agreeable doesn't mean a pushover either. And too outgoing gets old too. On the other hand, a disagreeable unhappy miserable bitch is worse.
     There are a few other things too, but those will do.
     Have I ever met anybody that fit at least most of those? Yes. A couple. And they were already married to some other bastard.
     And one of those bastards was in the process of mistreating her and driving her away. Your Brutha helpfully offered to drop him off the Triborough Bridge, but the woman declined.

     So is Sexy just about Sex?
     But I would much rather have sex with a woman who was Sexy than one that wasn't. No matter what she looked like.
     Which I think is part of the attraction of somebody like Julia Roberts. Ok. Going in. She is damned pretty, still is, even though she is getting a little long in the tooth for that America's Sweetheart bit (and no, sexy is not a function of relative youth, some mature women are just as sexy as any younger ones). But Roberts seems to be (and I have never met her in person) pleasant, comfortable with herself, not an airhead, and so on. OK, she might actually be a prima-donna demanding bitch and a three quarter gainer Hollywood Slut, but it doesn't show. And I don't think she would be where she is if she was. Julia Roberts is, and I will not apologize for it, Sexy.
     Since we are dealing with Celebrities... since more people would know who I was talking about than if I mentioned Deidre [deleted]. And you can talk about them without fear of lawyers calling like with real people according to the bimbo paralegal... I will also mention Halle Berry. She is so damned pretty, and sexy, I almost can't watch her on TV or in a movie. I forget what I'm watching and stare at her.
     Somebody the guys I work with turned me on to is Faith Hill. Damn. That describes her just fine. And sexy? In spades.
     Now, a celebrity that is NOT sexy. Britney. She is gorgeous, true, but she is about as sexy as Rosie. Some of the other MTV girl singers strike the same cord with me. OK, they are cute, and look like they'd wear me out in bed, but then, hell babe, hit the bricks, no, never mind, I'll hit it and I'll call you sometime.
     Pamela Anderson is on that list, and so is Anna Nicole Smith, or whatever her name is this month. So is the entire cast of 'Friends'.

     I don't think you can buy Sexy. You can learn it, but you can't buy it. And your Upper East Side Plastic Surgeon can't install it either.
     It doesn't matter who your friends are, or what car you drive, or whose name is on your shoes. Faith Hill would be sexy if she had my friends (they should be so lucky) drove a 1983 Ford and wore blown out bobo sneaks.
     Julia Roberts would be sexy wearing an old T-shirt, or nothing at all. So would a fascinating young woman I work with. And I have told her as much, corporate lawyers be damned.
     And that's another thing. I like naked women for my viewing pleasure probably more than the next guy. Be they live or on tape, to me, naked women are a good thing. But when it comes to behind closed doors, or a deserted picnic area in the Park, I do like the woman partially clothed, at least for a little while. I know, Anticipation and all that, but hell, part of the fun is undressing her... with my teeth.

     More than appearance.
     More than attitude.
     More than I can put into words, Sexy is ...

            Sexy is a way of life.


[NOTE: As was state above. The Desk found this article to cut right down to the quick on the matter. And although the Desk does not share all the opinions Deep stated, it does agree with the overall conclusion. (One thing it disagrees with is the matter of a partially clothed woman being sexier in person, but we may have to agree to disagree, if either Ms Hill or Ms Roberts stops by, it will do more research and report back.)

And, although Deep might never admit it, his conclusions and lists probably work equally for Men as well as Woman.

All emails on this matter will be forwarded to Jim Deep. -Webmaster]

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