©02 The Media Desk
As we come into the time of year where it seems almost every weekend is either a local or regional event with a parade including Homecomings, Fall Festivals and other celebrations rating such processions, and as a good many of them turn up on TV the Desk thought it should provide the viewing public with a guide to get through those broadcasts.
In the past the Desk has tried to make a point of sitting with its family on major Holidays and watching a parade on TV.
However, over the last few years this has inspired TV RAGE in the Desk. It has fired off emails and even a couple of actual Surface / Snail Mail letters to the networks. It has gotten, to date, by actual count, ZERO replies.
So. The Desk has undertaken the following guide to enhance your enjoyment of Parades on TV.
NOTE: Since most hosts of these events are actors and comics from TV shows on the network (which the Desk has probably never seen), it will not point fingers at any particular show, parade, or network.
FURTHER NOTE: Since most of said actors and comics spend most of their time proving they cannot read the teleprompter or telling each other stupid jokes and making unfunny wisecracks regardless of what they are supposed to be doing the Desk will not differentiate between the idiots in the booth and the idiots on the street or the idiot back at 'Parade Central', they will all be referred to as the 'Hosts'.
For The Parade Watcher
VIDEO HINTS [in order of occurrence]: If the Screen is showing:
the Stupidly Grinning Hosts: It SHOULD be showing- The Parade.
a Traffic sign: It SHOULD be showing- the Grand Prize Winning Float.
the Stupidly Grinning Hosts: It SHOULD be showing - Internationally Renowned Celebrity.
Clouds: It SHOULD be showing - A Marching Band.
the Stupidly Grinning Hosts: It SHOULD be showing - Famous Show Horse Unit.
a Close-up of the Pavement: It SHOULD be showing - The Parade Queen and Court.
the Stupidly Grinning Hosts: It SHOULD be showing - Interview with Parade Grand Marshal.
Palm Trees, Snow, or Water: It SHOULD be showing - People watching the Parade.
the Stupidly Grinning Hosts: It SHOULD be showing - The Color Guard, A Military Unit, Veterans Group, or anything else patriotic the Network Brass thinks may be un-PC.
AUDIO HINTS [in order of occurrence]: If you are hearing:
the Host's Stupid Jokes: You SHOULD be hearing - Parade Sounds.
Static: You SHOULD be hearing -Music from the Grand Prize Winning Float.
the Host's Mindless Comments: You SHOULD be hearing - International Celebrity singing their Biggest Hit Song.
Two Commercials at Once (neither of which you can see): You SHOULD be hearing - The Marching Band.
the Host's Inane Chatter: You SHOULD be hearing - Knowledgeable Expert describing the horse unit's routine.
Helicopter Engine Noise: You SHOULD be hearing - Queen's greeting and statement with brief bio.
the Host's Asinine Comments: You SHOULD be hearing - Interview with Grand Marshal.
For The Parade Network
INSTEAD OF: Stupid banter between hosts including sexual innuendo and plugs for their shows
BROADCAST: The Parade.
INSTEAD OF: Lame jokes and intentional fuax pas
BROADCAST: The Floats and Celebrities in the Parade.
INSTEAD OF: Worthless interviews with others from the host's shows
BROADCAST: The Marching Bands and Units in the Parade.
INSTEAD OF: Long Touching spots of almost anything, most of which is NOT parade related including 'special previews' of the host's and the networks shows (which we probably won't watch)
BROADCAST: Stuff that is actually involved with the parade.
INSTEAD OF: More stupidity from the soon to be out of work actors and comics whose shows stand to be canceled within six months...
BROADCAST: The Dad-Blamed PARADE! That's what we tuned in to see!
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