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Ten Top 10 Lists
©02 The Media Desk
The DESK's Top Ten List of Top Ten Lists.
I. Top Ten Vehicles the Desk Won't Drive.
- 10. ... that costs more than the Desk makes in a year.
- 9. ... built since the last Olympics, (Winter or Summer Games).
- 8. ... that came from the factory with a multi-disk CD changer.
- 7. ... with a paint color approved by Martha Stewart.
- 6. ... with real wood paneling inside or out.
- 5. ... with a GPS, automatic trouble call system, or anything else you've ever seen in the Batmobile.
- 4. ... ever driven by James Bond (moon buggies included).
- 3. ... with the 'young boy' wide rims and narrow tires.
- 2. ... with gull wings, T-tops, moon roofs, or an automatic speed adjusted aero-wing on the trunk.
- 1. ... that's not full of tools, old papers, a broken laptop computer, a pair of stinking work boots, and has at least a full change of clothes in it.
II. Top Ten Vehicles the Desk HAS Driven.
- 10. ... has been totaled at least once before it got it.
- 9. ... has only been washed when a hurricane blows through.
- 8. ... has major parts held on with tape, bungee cords, coat hangers, plumbers strapping, or rope.
- 7. ... is painted the same color as major industrial or farm machinery.
- 6. ... catches fire while you are driving it.
- 5. ... has pieces fall off of it when you hit a pothole.
- 4. ... does not get lost in a parking lot.
- 3. ... has been struck by lightning.
- 2. ... has over a quarter of a million miles on it.
- 1. ... other drivers are afraid of.
III. Top Ten Things the Desk Doesn't Order When Eating Out.
- 10. Blueberry flavored Light Beer.
- 9. Foi Gras.
- 8. Breadfruit Soufflé.
- 7. Pasta.
- 6. Caviar.
- 5. Something you have to have translated from Flemish.
- 4. Anything ever seen on that 'vitality of the food' cooking show.
- 3. Chef's, Caesar's, Garden, Health, Diet - Salad.
- 2. The All Organic Green Earth Lunch Plate.
- 1. A meal that costs more than it paid for its first car.
IV. Top Ten Things the Desk Does Order When Eating Out
- 10. Real Beer.
- 9. Chicken Wings and Real Beer.
- 8. BBQ Ribs and ditto.
- 7. Basically anything you can order with a side of onion rings.
- 6. Raw fish. (ok sushi and sashimi sound better)
- 5. The Buffet.
- 4. Anything under the general heading of BREAKFAST.
- 3. Steak.
- 2. Steak and Shrimp.
- 1. Steak and Shrimp with Real Beer.
V. Top Ten Things the Desk Will Photograph for a Photoessay
- 10. Politician/Celebrity of some notoriety.
- 9. Action event (sports / news)
- 8. Good looking woman (women), especially if she is / involved in another of the top 10.
- 7. Historic event.
- 6. Something unusual.
- 5. Think: Documentation of the Absurd.
- 4. Very pretty woman doing almost anything period.
- 3. Whatever the reason for the assignment is.
- 2. Something the Desk likes- See numbers 8 and 4 and 1.
- 1. A woman so Beautiful she gives the Desk a headache just doing nothing.
VI. Top Ten Things the Desk Will NOT Photograph for a Photoessay.
- 10. Politicians trying to get their Picture Taken.
- 9. Annoying kids.
- 8. Annoying drunks. (unless it is a politician)
- 7. A cheerful flower arrangement purchased just for the occasion.
- 6. Earl and Chip re-enacting their alien abduction story.
- 5. Massed members of any fraternal organization while wearing their hats.
- 4. Any subcompact painted to look like a major NASCAR series racecar.
- 3. The 'Largest [fill in the blank] in the World' where admission is charged to see it.
- 2. Animals dressed up as historical figures no matter how 'adorable'.
- 1. Anything Politically Correct or Ethnically Sensitive or Multi - Culturally Positive.
VII. The Desk's Ten 'Favorite' Email Subject Lines.
- 10. Urgent Business Assistance Requested (various versions- 419 SCAM).
- 9. Do Not Delete this before you read it...
- 8. You have already won/been selected/approved...
- 7. Sexy girls are waiting for you to call/chat.
- 6. A friend has forwarded you this blessing/poem/petition.
- 5. There is PORN on your computer, delete it with...
- 4. Warning: New Virus Much Worse than...
- 3. Make Money with...
- 2. Your Free Gift is Waiting...
- 1. Block SPAM with this Program.
VIII. Parapsycological Anomalies the Desk Has Either Witnessed or Documented.
- 10. Recurrent manifestation of deceased person, (ghost)
- 9. Crisis Apparition.
- 8. Precognition (versus deja vue)
- 7. Earth Spirit.
- 6. Clairaudiance.
- 5. Natural Force.
- 4. Haunting (not the same as just having a ghost around).
- 3. Ectoplasmic Materialization.
- 2. Demonic Apparition.
- 1. Religious Ecstasy.
IX. The Desk's Top Ten Favorite Sporting Events It Has Attended.
- 10. Illinois State Championship HS Basketball Tourney 1984.
- 9. Truck Rodeos (various years).
- 8. Tour De Trump (DuPont) Bicycle Race (late 80's early 90's)
- 7. Big Ten Basketball Tourney (84)
- 6. NASCAR Winston Cup at Dover (various years, favorite race was with Dick Trickle on the pole).
- 5. Hydroplane Races on Chesapeake Bay. (late 90's)
- 4. Minor League Baseball games (multiple years and sites).
- 3. University of Illinois Homecoming (lost to Northwestern) (early 80's)
- 2. Chicago Cubs at Home against Anybody, day game only.
- 1. ECAC (et al) NCAA Div III Football Conference Playoffs and Championship Games (various years).
X. The Desk's Top Ten Favorite Other Events (events within last six months disqualified)
- 10. Relay For Life during a Tropical Storm (2001)
- 9. Miss Patriotic Beauty Contest as a Judge. (late 90's)
- 8. Presidential Visit in 1998.
- 7. Almost anything on a college or university campus.
- 6. Various Political Conventions, local and national.
- 5. Civil War Battle Re-enactment at Fort Delaware.
- 4. Pork Day. (if you have to ask, you'll never understand)
- 3. Penner Weddings. (ditto)
- 2. Old Dover Days (Multiple Years)
- 1. Anything involving large numbers of people in costume and totally un-self-conscious. (the Desk does not dress up for anything).
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