Back to the Desk's Main page

The every other year yearly physical

©02 The Media Desk

       Well. The Desk couldn't put off its yearly physical for more than just under two years.
       Not that it doesn't see plenty of Doctors. Oh no. With its wife it sees a medical oncologist about once a month, a surgeon about every six months, and so on. It's been on first name status with resident staff at Johns Hopkins. It's read medical white papers on all sorts of arcane topics and watched the 'patient information' videos that tell you absolutely nothing on top of it. But none of that applies to the Desk itself.
       This first person singular bipedal oxygen dependent carbon life form.
       Yeah. A real 'turn your head and cough' blood pressure tap on your back and feel your neck while looking at the far corner light in the eye physical.
       The Desk had blood taken... took ... tooken... had blood drawn, peed in the cup, and all that two weeks ago. This morning they ran the EKG and had the Desk read the eye chart.
       That's always a trip. They have the Desk stand on the little taped line and look at the eye chart. Without its glasses it couldn't see the nurse, let alone anything below the big top center 'E'. Neither eye, both eyes, holding its nose, nothing. It wasn't even sure it was facing the right way. With glasses... no sweat.
       "Printed in USA. Copyright 1993. Salman and Sons Medical Supplies..."
       Or maybe not.

       The nurse had the Desk get on the scale. It didn't break it, but it is in the last weight groove on it. Too many more all you can eat Chinese restaurants and it'll have to get weighed at the local moving and storage office.
       Then came the blood pressure. She had the sense to go out and hunt down the large cuff, but then she didn't like the reading in one arm and switched to the other side. Basically the same numbers, left and right. How about that?
       Temperature? Yes. The Desk is somewhere between room temperature and the boiling point of water at sea level.
       And now comes the endless wait.
       You are sitting in your drawers, in a cool room (to anything female the room would have been meat-locker cold), reading a magazine circa October 2000 (Hot Toys this Fall, Liven up your Halloween Party Menu, Sex Tips He Won't Tell You About, What the Presidential Candidate's Wives Think About Women's Issues) and wait.
       Next magazine. March 2001. Spring Table Ideas. Best Decorating Touches for Making Over Your Bathroom Under $100. Sex Tips for Married Couples with Kids. Why Would a Star wear THAT?
       The nurse comes in. There's been a problem. The Doctor should be around shortly.
       Next magazine. August 2001. Clear Water Bass Secrets. Traveling with your Bird Dog. Recipes for Small Game BBQ.
       The Desk was just getting into cutting up squirrels for stir-fry when the doctor came in. Oh well. The Desk hasn't been squirrel hunting in five years.
       She evaluated the paperwork. Yes, the Desk's primary care MD is a woman. No, the Desk doesn't have a problem with that. Then she asked about this and that, and how's the knee and when's the last time the Desk had chest pain and...
       "You weren't in last year."
       No, ma'am. We were a little busy last year.
       She made the speech about how important it is to go through all this once a year to give the insurance company something to do.
       Then it was time for the hands-on exam.
       Yes she knows just how to push on that knee to make it hurt. (it's something they learn in medical school). She listened to this, and poked that, and thumped here, and pushed on that and all the rest.
       Even 'turn your head and cough', and she even went further since the Desk has gray hair. And no she is not more gentle than a male doctor.

       The Desk's prostate is just fine thank you very much. How's yours?

       Satisfied that the Desk was still alive and was unlikely to fall over dead on its way out of her office she signed off on a referral for the stress test it should have taken last year.
       "And a chest X-ray."
       Oh, for joy.
       And before the Desk was safely out of the office it had a fresh tetanus shot in its arm.

       So. How does the Desk feel now that it's been checked head to toe, well, not toe, but ankle? It's had its blood analyzed for everything blood needs analyzed for. And had an Electrocardiogram done with nine wires stuck to it. And has now been pronounced more or less healthy for another year... or so...

       The Desk isn't really sure.

       After all. Darryl Kile, the St. Louis pitcher that died suddenly of heart disease at age 33, had just had a full physical in spring training and had been certified as healthy as a starting pitcher and curveball specialist needs to be.
       How then could he have had coronary arteries 80 to 90 percent blocked?        He had been dying for years and didn't know it. The Cardinals didn't know it. Even his doctor didn't know it.
       He led the Cards to the playoffs last season with serious heart problems and nobody was the wiser until hotel security broke into his room before a game in Chicago and found him dead in his bed.

       While the Desk does NOT have coronary artery disease, yet, it does have a mild case of unstable angina, or, nonspecific chest pain, now and again. Compliments of working for ten years in a State Prison.

       So... the Desk, now being confirmed basically healthy by the Medical Establishment of the USA, pending a stress test and chest x-ray sometime between now and the next Olympics, is just as happy as it can be about the whole thing.

       Cheesesteak for lunch. With mushrooms and hot peppers.
       Stop by the Y for a workout.
       Go home, drink beer and cheap whisky and paint a ceiling. Work part time job all weekend.

       How healthy is the Desk?

                       How healthy does it have to be?


also see... Body Mass Index, the Hulk, and the Desk.
       And the Desk's former online manager answers the BMI article- Kiss My Glutes!

WEBMASTER NOTE: The Desk is NOT a Medical Doctor, nor does it play one on TV. Although it does recommend that EVERYBODY, except the Desk that is, see their MD for a yearly physical.
               Thank you.

Back to the Desk's Main page